If you’re not familiar with the name, Mila Kunis is a beautiful, sorta-talented Hollywood actress. She immigrated to the U.S. from the Ukraine as a little kid and has since hit it big. Another Ukrainian girl, Kristina Caro, moved here — at least temporarily — and she recently filed a lawsuit against Miss Kunis. She’s seeking damages including $5,000 for psychiatric treatment and emotional distress resulting from, she claims, Mila having stolen her pet chicken named “Doggie” back in the Ukraine when they were neighbors some 25 years ago.

Caro claims Kunis loved her little chicken so much she’d come over to play with it all the time. Then the unthinkable happened: The chicken disappeared. Caro says Kunis more or less confessed to the theft, but told Caro, “Kristina, you can have any other chicken as a pet; you have a whole chicken farm!” Shortly after that, seven-year-old Kunis and her family immigrated to America, where a theatrical agent soon spotted Mila and her Hollywood career kicked off. Meanwhile, Kristina Caro languished in Ukraine at her family’s chicken farm, mourning the loss of her chicken Doggie. Now, she says, Mila’s gotta pay!

The lawsuit was filed in a California court, so who knows what happened? In California, the presumably dead chicken, speaking through a crystal-gazing medium, could have gotten its own lawyer and sued ’em both. We don’t know how it ended up.

I watched a video of Kristina Caro singing and dancing. More accurately, I saw her attempting to sing and trying to dance. I think she just needs the money. Her song, by the way, was “Give Me Green Card.” I hope they don’t. But if she does get to stay, I have a word of advice for her: Trim the nose hair, kid. Or stay away from close-ups.

No, They’re Still Missing, And Haven’t Grown Back

The U.S. Veterans Administration doesn’t have a monopoly on stupid regulations. Canada’s VA has some pretty silly ones too.
Combat vet Paul Franklin’s case was recently used to illustrate the situation. He lost both legs in Afghanistan but he has to go through a complex time-consuming re-certification process every year to keep drawing his disability benefits. Specifically, he has to prove his legs are still missing. Just getting an appointment can take a year. In the meantime, he gets threats about losing his benefits. The Canadian Broadcasting Corporation asked VA officials if they couldn’t just make some kind of permanent ruling that “yes, his legs are gone, and they will not grow back.” The government finally responded, saying they might relax the certification requirement to “every third year.” Interestingly, you only have to die once to be considered permanently dead, so there’s hope.

Gee, Why Didn’t They Believe Him?

Even the police admitted his identification was valid, so what was the problem? After waiting patiently in line for a teller at the Jacksonville Bank of America, Jeff Waters presented a check made out to CASH. He generously offered to spare them the hassle of printing a cashier’s check or opening a savings account — he would just take the whole sum in cash, please. The check was made out for $368,000,000,000.00 — 368 billion dollars. Then he seemed genuinely surprised when bank officials told him, “Umm … NO.”

Well, gotta admit, there were a few problems with the check. It was issued in the ’90s by the U.S. Bank of Idaho, on a long-defunct account. Waters explained that a homeless gentleman named Tito Watts sold him the check for $100 cash, and said Waters could write it for any amount he wanted, no problem. Rather than go for some measly sum like a million dollars, Waters figured, “go big or go home,” and besides, he had big plans. He told the banker — and later the police — that he planned to build an 80 million-square-foot Italian restaurant which could seat 30 million diners at once, and it wouldn’t be just big, it would be fabulous! It would be built completely underwater, covered with an enormous glass dome so patrons could see sharks and other pretty fishies swimming around while they ate dinner.

But, those killjoy cops accused him of being stoned on bath salts. Sure enough, a search revealed his stash of bath salts and some illegal Chinese throwing stars. He was booked, among other things, for forgery and possession of prohibited weapons. Waters said he still couldn’t figure out what he had done wrong.

“Tito said the check was good for any amount I wanted to write it for,” he told officers. “So blame Tito, not me. I’m as innocent as a schoolgirl.” Maybe not as smart as your average fifth-grade schoolgirl, though.

Now That Just Ain’t Right

Police in Bedfordshire, England, are looking for a guy who doesn’t quite live up to the image he had tattooed on his arm. This dude entered the RedINC Luton tattoo parlor, showed his “Only God Can Judge Me” tattoo on one arm and said he wanted a fitting design on the other arm to go along with it. He selected a very religiously appropriate depiction of Jesus, and sat there stoically while the image was inked in.

During the process, the shop owner stepped out of the studio for a moment, then came back in and finished the work. The client was very pleased and praised the artistry. But when the shopkeeper turned to write out the bill, the guy bolted out the door and scampered out of sight. A few minutes later, as the victim was dialing up the local constabulary, he found $1,548 missing from the cash drawer.

I don’t presume to speak for Jesus, but I’m guessing this would not be classified as “a good Christian act.”