Nobody slips through this dragnet! Nobody! Except maybe the guy they’re trying to catch.

For seven days, dozens of Canadian cops surrounded a home in Bay Bulls, Newfoundland, pinning down a guy suspected of assaults, who was believed to be armed. As the siege went on, authorities began setting off flash-bang grenades on a regular basis just to rattle him, keep him from sleeping and wear him down. Finally, they started pumping freezing water into the house with high-pressure hoses to flood him out like a rat. The problem was, he’d been gone for days at that point.

A citizen called the Royal Canadian Mounted Police from the little community of Petty Harbour, several miles away, advising their most-wanted guy was quietly hangin’ out in a nearby home. A flock of Mounties scampered right over and took Leo Crockwell peacefully into custody. As soon as cops confirmed Leo’s identity, the news flashed to the task force pumpin’ water and igniting flash-bangs, and word was passed to cease, desist and try not to look too embarrassed by it all. Apparently, Leo was quite talkative, but not on the subject of his disappearing act. I can’t blame him. He might need to do that trick again sometime.

What If They’re Right?

Yeah, go ahead an’ giggle. It’s worth some laughs, sure.

Courts in Hawaii and Germany have now dismissed cases brought by private citizens alleging that continued operation of the “Large Hadron Collider” — a giant-sized, particle-physics testing gizmo on the Franco-Swiss border — will create a huge black hole that will instantly swallow and implode the Earth and prob’ly several planets around us. Some scientists admit that “imploding and swallowing the Earth in a huge black hole” could be inconvenient and possibly harmful to your health, but claim their gigantic particle-smashing widget won’t do that. Theoretically, that is.

Walter Wagner, described by a news source as a “cantankerous botanist from Hawaii,” was turned down by a U.S. federal court, which told him essentially that he can’t sue “speculatively” over the destruction of the Earth until it actually happens, at which time the injury would no longer be speculative. Like, “Come see us when that happens, Walt.”

An unnamed German lady also filed suit to stop the Large Hadron Collider in her own country’s constitutional court, but they ruled she was “unable to give a coherent account of how her fears would come about.”

Perhaps not surprisingly, many of the scientists involved are unable to give coherent accounts of exactly what might happen as a result of high-speed particle collisions in their big collider-toy. The official line is that they’re “trying to mimic the conditions that followed the Big Bang and help explain the origins of the universe.” Still other scientists think they might wind up creating another Big Bang, or an Anti-Big Bang, either of which could render the universe into kibbles-an’-bits.

Wait — it gets better! Still other scientists fear events in the collider could create “a theoretical particle called a strangelet that would turn the planet to goo.” That’s a quote, folks: “turn the planet to goo.” Now, don’t you feel so much better?

Stupid Crook Of The Month Club

Our newest member and Stupidity Award winner is Terrance Mitchell, who was caught on surveillance video while stealing surveillance video equipment — from a surveillance video supply store in Waterloo, Iowa. It seems Terrance didn’t consider that a place that sells surveillance video cameras might actually have a couple of ’em running inside the store.

Standing Room Only

Not enough leg room, you say? How ’bout “not enough foot room” on your next flight?

Ireland’s budget airline, Ryanair, has announced they will offer heavily discounted tickets for “standing room” seating. Oh, you’ll still get a “seat,” but it will be vertical. There will be a waist strap to hold you in place, a small cushion for your back and a headrest, but you’ll be standing like sardines in a can balanced on its bottom edge.

In order to do this, the airline will have the rear of their aircrafts’ seating refitted, the cost of which will be paid for by a new surcharge. Want to use the lavatory in flight? It’ll cost ya! Yep, they’re instituting, instead of a “pay as you go” plan, a “pay if you gotta go” plan.

The next step, we think? So, you wanta wear clothes while flying? Let’s weigh ’em!