Crafty Crime King Creams Self

So, do ya think there’s a crook out there stupid enough to rob a Krispy Kreme doughnut shop — that’s located right behind a police station? Yeah? Well, it gets stupider, way stupider.

Everybody in Roswell, Ga., kinda snickers and smiles about the irony of having a Krispy Kreme doughnut dispensary less than a stone’s throw from the back door of the city police station. Surprisingly, it was a local mental midget who shoulda known better who waltzed into the Krispy Kreme last summer, and used the old “pointy fingers under the shirt to simulate a pistol” trick, while announcing a robbery.

The clerk emptied the till and forked over the cash. Fists fulla bucks, our hero in crime fled out the front door and almost drowned in a sea of uniforms and rumbling cop-cruisers. Ya see, it was 3 p.m., which translates into “day-watch-to-p.m. shift change.” It also means the single moment in the 24-hour day when that expanse between the police station and said crime scene was guaranteed to be filled with the highest per-square-foot concentration of predatory patrol cops. Don’t ya just love the way this script reads?

He, meaning our prisoner in waiting, shoulda just “assumed the position,” but we’ve already established his level of intelligence, haven’t we? No, this saga didn’t end in a hail of bullets. That wasn’t necessary. Our Crime King took off running and within about five seconds was observed doing three butt-over-baseball-cap unplanned somersaults down a kudzu-filled steep embankment.

Officers never even got a chance to tell him to freeze. He was frozen at the bottom of the slope with a nasty leg fracture, moaning for help. There were, of course, lots of offers to fulfill his request.

Deadly Doodles

Yeah, our “professional educators” have done it again. This time, the warm-and-fuzzy administrator types at Payne Junior High in Chandler, Ariz., have suspended a 13-year-old boy who drew a doodle of a vaguely gun-like object in pencil on a scrap of paper.

The drawing did not include any bullets, blood, muzzle blast, injuries or threats, nor did it target any human, animal or innocent fungus, but school district spokesman Terry Locke said it was “absolutely considered a threat,” and “threatening words or pictures are punishable.” The boy’s father went to the school to discuss the matter with school staff, and said they referred him to the 1999 massacre at Columbine High School and seemed to be drawing a connection to it. He was offended, but then, he’s not a “professional educator.” He’s just a guy with some common sense.

Floored By Door

The jail staff in Kalispell, Mont., is sorta used to having inmates pick fights with each other, and less frequently, the really stupid or suicidal ones might take a swing at an officer. Recently, though, they had their first experience with one of their “guests” picking a fight with an inanimate object.

Jail personnel observed the male inmate engaged in a spirited argument with the stout metal door of his cell. Possibly because the door refused to respond, the argument got nasty and insults flew. We don’t know what they were, possibly something like, “You’re flat and ugly.” Anyway, suddenly things flew totally out of control and the inmate assaulted the door, beating it like a redheaded stepchild. The door never once hit back, but deputies said it clearly won the battle.

Good thing it was all caught on tape, because a public defender would never believe his client beat himself up in jail. Besides, now deputies can watch it in reruns over the long winter. They don’t know this kinda thing happens all the time in L.A.

Coyote Confused

Look at the udders on that coyote, will ya? You’re right — coyotes don’t have udders. They’re generally not huge, black and white, with bells on their collars, weigh 1,400 pounds pregnant, and answer to the name “Hannah” when called in from the pasture. But a 42-year-old carnivore with a smokin’ gun tried to tell sheriff’s deputies in rural Benzie County, Mich., that he couldn’t tell the difference.

After Hannah failed to answer her owner’s call, a search party of Hannah-fans ultimately spotted the now-deceased bovine bein’ sledge-dragged across a frozen field by a neighbor — the aforementioned possessor of said smokin’ gun. The arrival of deputies soon followed. The burger-dragger told Undersheriff Rory Heckman that he’d been out shootin’ coyotes and simply mistook a half-ton Holstein for a 30-pound song-dog. Good story, huh? He stuck to it. That was fine with Heckman.

See, since the burger-man was on his own property when stopped, had he claimed he accidentally popped Hannah while target practicing, he might have been subject to civil suit for loss-of-cow, but it wouldn’t be a criminal matter. However, as Heckman advised him, it is seriously illegal in Michigan to shoot or attempt to shoot coyotes during deer season. It was deer season. The County Jail might serve burgers if he’s lucky — but he’s sure not eatin’ Hannah.