So, Ya Breakin’ Hard On The Jarhead!

As a Marine pilot, John Lovell learned to live by “the OODA Loop” — Observe, Orient, Decide and Act — and to “watch his six” 24/7. After full careers in the Marines and civilian aviation, he retired in Plantation, Fla. Neighbors describe the 71-year-old Lovell as quiet and in top shape.

Recently, he was at the Plantation Subway Sandwich Shop when two gunmen burst into the shop about 11 p.m., robbed the cashier, terrorized the customers and then focused on lonely John, still munching his veggie sub.

Lovell went along with the robbery game and handed over his money. But when they shoved him toward the bathroom, they made three big mistakes: They laid hands on a man who doesn’t allow touching unless it’s invited; they transmitted the possible threat of executing him in that bathroom, and finally, putting him in front of them so they could prod him along gave him the opportunity to “orient and act.” He had already made his decision: In a flash, he pulled his licensed pistol and shot both gunmen in their heads.

One, Fredrick Gadsden, 21, was taken to a hospital, critically wounded. Appropriate personnel hauled away the remains of Donicio Arrindell, 22, formerly of North Lauderdale. A surveillance camera, installed just a week previous to the robbery, recorded the entire scene. After reviewing the video and Lovell’s concealed weapon permit, he was bid goodnight and released. Sometimes, justice is poetic, sweet and swift.

The Dearly Arrived

So, you’ve had a few bad days in your life, have you? Well, on your worst day, you never had one as bad as Carlos Camejo. Just remember this case the next time the books won’t balance.

The 33-year-old Camejo was involved in a bad highway accident outside of Caracas, Venezuela. He knew he was hurt badly as he nodded off to dreamy-land. Then he woke up in excruciating pain. It was trained medical personnel who were cutting on him, but they hadn’t administered any anesthetics; you don’t waste the meds on corpses. Carlos was being autopsied — but he was still alive.

“I woke up because the pain was unbearable,” Carlos told local reporters. He had been declared dead and taken to the morgue, where he was presumed to be the dearly departed until an examiner cut into Carlos’ face and noticed he was bleeding. Cadavers don’t do that. A few seconds later, Carlos awoke, loudly.

Carlos’ grieving wife arrived at the morgue to identify his body. It wasn’t hard. He greeted her from a stretcher in the morgue hallway.

New Product Line

Want to get in on the cutting edge of a new product line with growing demand? You too can make and market your own “jenkem,” and you won’t even have to keep records on your buyers!

Fox News reports that interest in “jenkem” is burgeoning in Florida and spreading nationwide and even worldwide on the Internet. The Collier County Sheriff’s Office in Tampa recently issued a bulletin warning the public about possible negative effects, but concedes that possession or manufacture of it appears to be completely legal.

Garrison Courtney, spokesman for the Drug Enforcement Administration in Washington, D.C., said, “We wouldn’t classify it as a drug, even if someone is doing it stateside (initial reports of use came from Zambia). It’s not necessarily illegal.”

Oh, in case you’re wondering, jenkem is made by fermenting human feces and urine and then “huffing” the fumes, the same way dopers used to sniff model airplane glue in paper bags, with about the same effect — maybe.

Some authorities doubt that a real “high” can be achieved by huffing jenkem, and opine that maybe the users are simply experiencing oxygen deprivation the same way they would if they were restricting their oxygen intake by pokin’ their heads into an empty bag. They’re just doing it with an additional element of aroma and some methane gas. But then, there’s a reason narcotics are called “dope,” and lotsa dopes will try anything to get a buzz.

At least if you stock up on lumps of jenkem and they don’t sell, you can always arrange them in a pile and market them as “modern art.” You might even get a big grant from the government. Just avoid cross-contamination with the rest of your inventory. You don’t want a customer spreading the rumor that your guns smell like crap.

Spider Made Me Do It

You name it and it’s been used as a legal defense for the commission of murder, kidnapping, rape and senseless beatings. Things like: eating too many Twinkies or Yoo-Hoo’s, drinkin’ too much coffee or tequila, tranquilizers, uppers, downers, marathon video-gaming sessions and the famous California “my mommy and daddy never bought me a pony” defense.

But one court in Australia recently drew the line when a guy tried to claim that a spider bite was responsible for him kidnapping and raping a woman.

Philip Spiers told a judge in New South Wales that a venomous Funnel-web spider had bitten him, and the toxic effect of the bite was to blame for his crimes. It didn’t help that he had no evidence of having been bitten and no toxicologist could be found to testify that Funnel-web spider venom might have that effect.

These kinda little trivialities seem to work pretty well in California and Massachusetts, but we guess they don’t fly down under. Spiers drew a short speech and a long sentence from Hizzoner the Judge.

Team Building

Next time you drop a box of ammo on your foot and burst forth with a blue blaze of spicy language in front of your employees, don’t feel bad about it — you’re simply cementing good relations with your crew, according to a study conducted by researchers at the University of East Anglia in England.

Professor Yehuda Baruch and graduate assistant Stuart Jenkins assessed the use of profanity in several different workplace environments and situations. While they warned against using profanity in front of customers, they found that occasional “situationally based” (not casual or recreational) use of profanity helped to bind bosses and employees together as teams, and provided relief from daily stress and frustrations. Wow; what a relief it is for me that over all these years in law enforcement, I’ve been “team building,” instead of just bein’ a potty-mouth!