It’s Just Another
Form Of Warfare

Unmanned Aerial Vehicles — UAVs — were originally developed to locate and track terrorists and enemy forces in combat. So, of course, they are now going to be used by the celebrity-stalking paparazzi.

Gary Morgan, CEO of Splash News, a celebrity photo agency, foresees fleets of virtually silent miniature UAVs buzzing the skies over Hollywood Hills and other hangouts of the rich and famous, snappin’ photos and video of completely unsuspecting subjects.

“It would strike fear in the hearts of every celebrity having a birthday party,” he said.

Right now, an unmanned mini-drone, which can carry a small camera and fly a preprogrammed route, costs a couple of hundred dollars to build, and can be operated by an iPhone. Models with live video and real-time flight controls are rapidly being developed for the private market.

Soon, what sounds like a bumblebee buzzin’ outside your bathroom window might be somethin’ else, folks. We think a load of 7 1/2 shot will take ’em out to 20 yards or so, but you’ll need something heavier — like BB shot — for longer distances.

A Really Good Time?

So how much can you drink? You’re gonna have to work at it to beat this guy.

Stanley Kobierowski was only out to have a good time, but wound up setting a Rhode Island state record when his tenuously controlled car ran into a highway message board and officers sorta poured him out of the driver’s seat. His blood alcohol level — tested twice, because they didn’t believe the first reading — measured .489, then .481, making his the highest level ever recorded in the Ocean State in a living human being. The only blood-alcohol levels recorded higher than his belonged to corpses, recently deceased from alcohol poisoning. Techs were amazed he was not only living, but moving; not in a particularly coordinated fashion, but more than, say, a house plant in still air.

In court, Stan pleaded “no contest” to a DUI charge. Smart move, Stanley.

What Is That White Powder?

A band of three adults and two juvenile “burglar apprentices” were busily ransacking a residence in Silver Springs Shores, Fla., stacking up jewelry and an entertainment system, when they thought they’d found a hidden mother lode of cocaine. Of course, they took a little break to snort some. Frankly, they weren’t impressed — no bell-ringin’ buzz, no trip to the moon. Well, what the heck, they thought, maybe it just ain’t high-octane Colombian tap-dancing powder.

After they were rounded up, the cops got to break the news to ’em: They’d been snorting the cremated ashes of the homeowner’s grandfather and two family pets.

Hey, guys, next time, try that white powder hidden in a can under the kitchen sink.

High Hopes And A Low IQ

In Bloomfield, Ind., 21-year-old Justin Johnson seemed happy and confident when he stuffed a check into the tube at the drive-through service of Bloomfield State Bank. He just wanted cash, please. He graciously included his driver’s license.

According to police reports, the fake check didn’t even look that authentic, but still, he might have gotten away with it if he’d been a little more modest in his desires. It was made out in the amount of $1 million dollars and no cents. One might add, “and no sense.” But why trifle with pennies when you’re about to become a millionaire?

Picket Lines Around The Picket Lines

Last July, Washington, D.C. was the site of a carpenters’ union rally against employers hiring non-union carpenters. Some of the union carpenters were curious about their fellow demonstrators, because they didn’t recognize ’em, and they didn’t really look or talk like carpenters. A Wall Street Journal reporter found out why: Many of the chanting protesters were non-union day workers hired by carpenters’ union officials to swell the ranks of the demonstrators, to make the union look more powerful. Hmmm …

So, shouldn’t the day workers’ union demonstrate against the carpenters’ union for using non-union day workers to demonstrate against non-union-using manufacturers who uni … Oh, forget it.