The Cold Case Of A Tough Duck

That’s one tough duck! No, we’re not talking about a roasted duck that defies a diner’s best chewing efforts. The subject here is a duck who just wouldn’t die, even after being shot and stuffed into a refrigerator for two days.

It ain’t our way of doing things, but an unnamed hunter in Tallahassee, Fla., shot a female ringneck, brought it home and just plunked it whole and unplucked into his family ’fridge. His wife was, of course, in and out of the refrigerator several times over the next two days — probably playing that famous waiting game, seeing if hubby was going to clean it. Every time she did, it kinda creeped her out, seeing the duck lying there like the living dead. But she only thought she knew how creeped out she could be.

Late on the second day, she opened the refrigerator door and the zombie ringneck raised its head, opened its eyes and stared at her like, “Where am I?” She screamed.

The zombie-duck wound up at the Goose Creek Wildlife Sanctuary, where it was treated for leg and wing wounds.

Veterinarian David Hale said it has about a 75 percent chance of survival. He added that he understood how the hunter could have thought the duck was dead.

“This duck is very passive,” Hale explained. “It’s not like trying to pick up a Muscovy at Lake Ella, where you put your life in your hands.”

Yeah. Everybody knows you’ve gotta use some heavy artillery on a mad Muscovy. Ringnecks? Ha, they’re just coldhearted.

Pricey Piddle

The pause that refreshes can also be “the pause that impoverishes” if you take that piddle-break at the wrong time in the wrong place.

German jewelry designer Harald Hardy Herzmann, accompanied by his bodyguard and a security dog, was on his way to meet some rich buyer-clients in the resort town of Hochgurgl when Herzmann felt the call of nature beckoning. His companions agreed they had to go, too, so Herzmann stopped and they all piled outta the car and shuffled off into the bushes.

While the trio was out piddlin’ in the shrubbery, thieves smashed the rear window of Herzmann’s car, snatched two suitcases and fled. The cases contained necklaces, watches, bracelets and rings worth over $1.3 million dollars. We’re thinkin’ Herzmann and his pals should be glad they had just emptied their bladders before seeing that broken window and missing suitcases.

Working At Not

There’s no such criminal charge as “grand theft paycheck.” However, sometimes we think there ought to be — especially when you’re dealing with an employee who works harder at not workin’ than they’d ever work at workin’ — you know? These folks are often the ones who are the hardest to fire, because they don’t do much that’s wrong if they don’t do much of anything at all.

The Sheraton Hotel organization felt they were faced with that situation in the case of one of their sales coordinators in Des Moines, Iowa. They said Emmalee Bauer, 25, was not only slackin’ on the job, but also spending a ton of slack time writing about her work-shirking techniques. The final straw was that she was using a company computer to keep a work-avoidance diary. That’s the dog that came back to bite her …

After being discharged, Bauer, of course, filed for unemployment benefits, and her single-spaced 300-page diary found its way into evidence. Among the stellar entries were, “I have managed to waste half of the day doing nothing constructive. That isn’t exactly an easy task, either,” and, “I just have to get through the next seven hours and forty-six minutes and then I will be free.” And our personal favorite?

“I am going to sit here and play Elf Bowling or some other nonsense.” Apparently, someone on the unemployment appeals board doesn’t like that game. Bauer’s benefits were denied.

Idiot Of The Year

Eloise Reaves knew exactly what to do when she got burned in a drug deal in Putnam County, N.C. She had paid good money for a big rock of crack cocaine, but it turned out to be a wad of wax mixed with regular “coke”! This was obviously a case of fraud or breach of contract or false advertising or something! So, she did what any intelligent doper would do: Eloise went straight to the local authorities!

Ms. Reaves found a patrol deputy just leaving a convenience store, plunked her “bogus rock” down on the hood of his cruiser, and proceeded to file a verbal crime report. He listened, took careful notes, then put away his pen — and pulled out his handcuffs.

Eloise later went home after posting $1,500 bail. She now has time to work on her presentation for a judge.

Inventory Control Problem?

Ya know those bullet-size sweat drops that pop out on your head when your firearms inventory comes up short? After frantically searching for hours, it’s kinda nice when you discover the runaway handgun sittin’ in the safe, tucked behind a box of .500 S&W ya been hoarding.

Trust us when we say, you’re amateurs when it comes to inventory-control problems. The nation’s premier investigative agency is now investigatin’ what happened to 160 missing weapons and 160 missing laptop computers, 10 of which contained sensitive or classified information. Never mind callin’ the FBI. It’s the FBI who’s missing those guns and little gray boxes.

The U.S. Justice Department’s office of the Inspector General issued a scorching report detailing all the losses and spankin’ the FBI for failure to adequately address the problem since its last report in 2002.

At that time, the IG’s bean-counters logged 354 FBI weapons missing or stolen, and 317 laptops absent from their assigned laps. The Inspector General gave the Feds a backhanded compliment that they were doing better lately, but better wasn’t good enough.

Now, raise your hand if you think ya’d get the same type of loving treatment from the government when they next show up at your door. And don’t even think about offering a gift — say that box of .500.