Create Your Own “Get Out Of Jail Free” Card
Who said you can’t make your own luck? Well, one clever conman proved it is indeed possible. Neil Moore, 28, of Ilford, U.K., sat in the famed maximum-security Wandsworth prison awaiting trial on fraud charges when he decided to take things into his own hands — literally.
Using a smuggled-in cell phone, Moore created a fake government email account, which closely resembled Britain’s Royal Courts of Justice. In a stroke of ironic genius, our crook even registered the website domain under the name Chris Soole, his case detective — we’ll call it a “unique” homage. So what did Moore intend to do with his nefarious scheme? Get his ticket out of the slammer, of course!
Posing as a court clerk, Moore sent out a message to prison managers indicating he’d been granted bail, and following what they presumed to be royal orders, he walked out scot-free. This wasn’t Moore’s first fraudulent escapade — in the run-in to being locked away, he impersonated staff from major banks — even impersonating a woman, more than once — and persuaded other financial institutions to transfer him cash that amounted to £1.82 million — that’s almost $2.9 million. Not a bad windfall for mimicry.
But the story doesn’t end there: Days later, Moore was feeling the sting of guilt and turned himself back in. He may be a scamming genius, but hey, crooks have consciences, too. Moore pleaded guilty to eight counts of fraud and one count of escape from lawful custody. Think the judge will give him points for creativity during sentencing?
Yes, It Proves You’re Stupid, We Knew That Already
Apparently convicted murderer Nikko Jenkins, whose face and neck were already covered with weird tattoos, thought he needed something to enhance his image as a bad dude… Hmm. Nothing on his forehead yet, so that could be his artistic canvas. But what to put there? Oh, how about the biblical “mark of the beast” from the Book of Revelations? Yeah! He would carve “666” into his skin, nice and wide and deep to make really impressive scars! Cool, huh?
The problem was — and it’s a problem shared by many morons — he didn’t quite think it through. He just got a small mirror and commenced cutting. You know what he got, right? Yup; upside down 9s, the mirror-reversed images of those three 6s. And the state of Nebraska isn’t jumping to cover corrective cosmetic surgery on a death row inmate.
On the bright side, apparently he and his attorney think it may help with his ongoing appeal, in claiming this is just more proof that he’s too stupid and/or mentally unstable to be eligible for execution. That might work!
Your Honor, My Client Just Has A Bowel Disorder
Or, the defense could claim: “In some cultures it’s considered a gift,” or something. We think neither of these will fly though.
So, imagine you’ve been locked up for criminal mischief, domestic battery and resisting arrest — what’s the first thing you do? Have a huge meal of course; a nice break from jailhouse chow. And the second thing? Easy. You go to the home of your ex-girlfriend, who you suspect of steppin’ out on you while you were in the slammer — and break in, then you defecate all over her bed sheets, a big glass kitchen plate, a wallet, a dresser, do some “finger-painting” on the walls and anything else you can foul up.
Michael Anthony Jackson had been out of jail for exactly two days when he allegedly committed the break-in and poop-out caper. Despite the fact that in New York his work might be considered avant-garde art, the Orange County Sheriff’s Office in Florida took a dim view of Michael’s work. Now he’s back in the Graybar Hotel, facing several new charges including violating the existing no-contact order he’d been previously served with. I guess they figure poopin’ on the protected person’s stuff is definitely “contact.”
