Big Bear Problems
Call For Big Zucchini

When we say “Never use a zucchini of less than 60mm on black bear,” we’re not talking about a big-bore Italian rifle. Nope, we’re referring to — literally — the garden-variety kinda zucchini. A woman in Huson, Mont., proved it can work.

A little after midnight, the lady let her three dogs out the back door for a late-night break, and she followed along right behind ’em. As the dogs went out in the yard, motion-sensing area lights came on and suddenly — down the hill outta the darkness — charged one really ticked-off big black bear. He charged the dogs, and two got away, but 12-year-old Brin, the border collie, can’t move very fast.

Incensed by this mismatch, the lady bravely, but perhaps unwisely, ran up and kicked Yogi in the throat. When he struck back, shredding one leg of her jeans, she decided to run back into her house. The trouble was, that “safe haven” wasn’t so safe when the bear started to come in after her.

Just inside her door, with the bear’s head stickin’ through, the lady groped around for a weapon and came up with an 18″ zucchini, which she resolutely thumped Yogi on the nose with. Amazingly, he turned and fled!

Even more amazing: Though the lady’s jeans were slashed, her wounds weren’t serious, and Brin the dog had no puncture wounds at all — just bad bruises and a worse scare. Investigating officers said the bear had apparently been feasting at a nearby apple tree when the dogs came out, prompting his attack.

Diapering The Face

A judge in Ohio has probably blown his chances of a nomination to the Supreme Court, but he sure made a lot of fans with his imaginative controlling of a spitter in his courtroom.

Hizzoner, who was unnamed in the news, was conducting the sentencing phase of a murder trial. Neil Simpson had been convicted of the robbery-homicide of a pizza shop owner who Simpson shot to death in 2007. While the jury considered arguments against imposing the death penalty, Simpson chose to lecture them — and then spit on ’em. Simpson told them he’d rather be executed than spend life in prison.

The judge had Simpson removed while the jury wiped off his spittle. When he reappeared in his pretty pink-and-white jailsuit, he was sporting a disposable diaper covering his mouth and nose, held in place by a swatch of mosquito netting cinched around his neck and up over his head, where it was tied off in a big poof. Yeah, we’ll give you a moment to visualize that.

Simpson’s spittin’ was curtailed, but he further instructed the jury that he would prefer to be crucified on the courthouse lawn, or stoned to death by the victim’s family. He reiterated his desire not to spend the rest of his life behind bars. The jury recommended his life be spared, which then opened the door for the judge to sentence him to life in prison without parole.

We don’t think he could work up much spit after hearing that sentence. Let’s just hope photos of him in his cute spitter outfit get circulated around in prison. Just for laughs, y’know.

Vodka — The Ultimate Anesthetic?

We wish we could show you the Emergency Room photo, but just imagine a pretty blonde with her blouse pulled down — facing away from you, of course; this ain’t that kinda magazine — with just the handle of a big knife protruding from her back. The knife is high between the shoulder blades, just right of her spine, blood seeping from the wound. Now consider that when she walked into the ER, she didn’t even know she’d been stabbed …

Julia Popova, a 22-year-old office worker in Moscow, Russia, was toddlin’ home to her parents’ apartment when a mugger leaped out and grabbed her purse. Julia fought like a wildcat, and though her attacker got away with her purse, he paid for it in pain.

Apparently, the influence of rage, adrenaline, shock — and a coupla little shots of vodka — anesthetized Julia so thoroughly that she walked several blocks before she realized she’d been hurt. Even then, she was unaware of the knife sticking out of her back, and the 6″ blade shoved into her body!

Surgeons carefully removed the knife without major nerve damage, saying the wound channel was only fractions of an inch from Julia’s spinal cord. A spokesman stated that had she been aware of the nature of her wound and gone into panic mode, the movement might have paralyzed or killed her. We’re just guessing the moral of the story is, “Don’t Panic — and Drink More Vodka!”

The Story Of Cinder

With friends like these, who needs enemies?

An unnamed 47-year-old guy in New Mexico gives us a crystal-clear illustration of the truth of that old saying, and another one: Of all your different sets of buddies, choose your drinkin’ buddies most carefully.

The dude we’ll call “Cinder” was found naked, beating out flames on his leg, on U.S. Route 70 near Las Cruces. Dona Ana County deputies were trying to figure out how a human leg could burn so brightly when they realized it was a prosthetic leg. After the flames were doused, they could then turn their attention to just how a lone, screaming, naked burning guy wound up at the side of the highway.

Cinder reported he was drinking with some buddies, each betting they could out-drink the rest. They decided that whoever drank the least would be set on fire by the others. Cinder lost.

His buddies thought they were giving him some slack by only dousing his prosthetic leg in a flammable liquid and torchin’ him up. However, the flames spread all over his body, possibly due to clumsy dousing by clumsy drunks. Having second thoughts about their “burning man” ceremony, they beat out the flames — mostly — and Cinder took off his smokin’ clothes. His pals then stuffed him in a car and tried to take him to a hospital.

Somewhere between the burning site and a hospital, apparently the flames reignited on Cinder’s fake leg, and his buds dumped him out at the side of the road. It is unknown if they said something like, “Hey, hope ya don’t fry up all crispy, now!” as they departed.
Cinder was ultimately transported to a Texas burn center, where he might meet some new drinkin’ buddies.

Contributed by Randy Lish, Barlow’s Custom Guns, West Valley, Utah.

Well, His Motives Were Noble

Harry Jackson, 26, was doin’ short time in the Woodbine, Ga., jail for a fistful of misdemeanors. Being a friendly, gregarious fella, he tried to make friends there. When he heard several of his jailhouse buds complaining about that institution’s no-tobacco rule, he kindly offered to bust outta jail, swipe some smokes from a nearby convenience store and then break back in before roll call. His pals would get their smokes, and they could all have a good laugh about it. No harm, no foul, right?

Uhhh… Wrong. Jackson got out, got into that store, got the cigarettes and almost — but not quite — got back inside undetected. He was caught coming over the fence. No smokes, no jokes and now he faces up to 20 years hard time for escape and burglary.

Not Cut Out For A Life Of Crime

Poor Steven Kyle. He did everything right, played the game smart, but he just didn’t have the wind to be a successful stick-up man.

Kyle had scooped up $75,000 worth of glittery baubles from Cline Custom Jewelers in Edmonds, Wash., and was making his escape. But several employees, despite Kyle being armed, followed him out onto the street, shouting to passersby that he was armed, so keep their distance, but keep him in sight! Kyle broke into a run, and after a short sprint, promptly broke down. He fell, dropping the gun and his loot bag. Kyle appeared to be so helpless, witnesses thought he may have had a heart attack.

He later told police he had only one lung, and wasn’t used to running.