Who Knew They Were Crooks?

Surveillance cameras caught everything when three stooges — maybe not the originals, but their techniques were very similar — charged into a Houston department store in early morning hours.

Three masked bandidos, one with a shotgun, one with a revolver and the third guy apparently assigned as the bagman, had obviously rehearsed their roles, blitzing the store like lightning. Employees scattered and tried to hide. But within two seconds the master crime plan fell apart.

On the video you can see the dude with the rifle accidentally bump the dummy with the revolver, causing revolver dude to jump like he’d been goosed by a ghost and pull the trigger of his wheelgun. The gunshot terrifies the rifleman, who jumps and bumps the pistolero again, terrifying him further and they both start spastically pullin’ their triggers, scaring themselves even worse, while the third guy is jumpin’ out of his skin, believing all three of them are being shot at by hidden, heavily-armed store employees. Now in full panic-mode, all three commence high-speed scuttling like crabs on crack, with the two shooters spraying gunfire everywhere as they beat a most undignified retreat back out the door and down the sidewalk.

The employees, meanwhile, are still shivering behind counters, wondering who’s getting shot. The answer is — nobody. Well, except for a mannequin. After reviewing the video, a Houston PD spokesman declares the trio “the clumsiest criminals (he’s) ever seen,” but warns people that makes them doubly dangerous, because they’re armed — and klutzy scaredy-cats.

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Well, That’s An Interesting Excuse

When police in Jackson County, Miss., arrested 41-year-old Lisa Roche for burglarizing students’ cars outside East Central High School, I’m sure they half-expected to hear some silly excuse like, “I was only looking for stuff these kids stole from me,” or “I thought it was my own car, and when it wasn’t I decided to check the rest” — or something like that.

But to Ms. Roche’s credit, she came up with one excuse that the officers never would have guessed. She said she was on the hunt for “members of ISIS.” Yeah, you read that right. She was just engaged in a little bit of “freelance counter-terrorism.” You gotta give her points for creativity! Nice try, Lisa.

Be Careful What You Wish For

Matthew Miller got exactly what he wished for, but now, it seems, reality has hit him like a ton of bricks — and he only has himself to blame.

The 24-year-old American told a news service that he entered North Korea actually hoping to be caught and jailed so he could “secretly investigate” human rights abuses under the brutal dictatorship of “Supreme Leader” Kim Jong-Un.

We’re thinking he might have imagined himself becoming some kind of international cause celebre, achieving fame, fortune and a fat book-and-movie deal — and a quick release in time for the World Series. If so, he was wrong. His case hasn’t stirred much interest, proabably mostly because he brought that load of bricks down on himself.
If anyone is complaining, North Korea sure ain’t listening. He was promptly convicted of espionage and sentenced to six years at hard labor in a prison camp. Better luck next time.

Speaking Clearly Is Important

But it seems that listening closely can be even more critical. Joe Lentini of Hazlet, N.J., wanted to impress his date in Atlantic City and he’s now likely wishing he had asked his waitress up front for a clarification.

The couple was having dinner at Bobby Flay Steak in the Borgata casino hotel, and he wanted to order a nice — but not too pricey — bottle of wine. A self-proclaimed “wine novice,” he asked for a recommendation and the waitress obviously obliged. He then asked how much it was, and he swears she responded with “thirty-seven fifty.” He and his date presumably enjoyed the wine. Then the bill came.

That bottle of wine — Screaming Eagle, Oakville 2011 — was billed at $3,750. Well hey, that bill is only about $3,700 and some change more than he thought it was! No reason to make a big deal out of it, right?

After a quick heart attack — no, not really, but we think the poor guy’s chest probably felt like it was exploding — Lentini then pleaded his case to management. The manager generously lowered the bill on the bottle to only $2,200. I’ll definitely be sticking with just a plain old beer, thank you very much.
By Commander Gilmore
Illustrations By Nick Petrosino

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