The Wrong Tool For The Job

We’ve run a lot of these kinda stories in Back Blast — never use a .25 auto to remove an aching tooth, never replace a dead fuse in your truck with a .22 LR round, never try to relieve a headache by shootin’ nails into your noggin with a nail gun, never try to use a jailhouse bedsheet for a parachute when leaping out the fourth floor window of a county lockup — and here’s a new one for you!

While firefighters in Bowie County, Texas, were hosing down the smokin’ remains of a home, the boggled fire chief was gettin’ an earful from a crying woman.

The lady was doing some yard work when she flushed a snake — and she really, really hates and fears snakes. Now, some people might call it “overkill,” but let’s remember her phobia, okay? Since a can of gasoline and matches were nearby, naturally, she drenched the snake in gas and set it on fire.

The flaming serpent took offense to this and promptly slithered into a big brush pile, which ignited like a tinderbox, quickly spreading to the home burning it right to the ground and setting the neighbor’s home on fire. We’re betting there was a better tool for killing snakes nearby, like a rake or shovel — but they probably burned up.

Getaway Car?

They shoulda brought a third guy. While Gabriel Gonzalez and Jeremy Lovitt were having fun waving pistols, scaring people and holding up a Burger King in Stockton, Calif., their unoccupied getaway car was sittin’ in the parking lot idling — unattended. One young employee saw his chance to stealthily sneak out and took it, thinking he might dash down the block and call the police.

But when he saw that empty, idling ride in the parking lot, he quickly put two and two together and came up with another plan: He hopped in and peeled rubber! After parking the car around the corner on the next block, he dropped a dime on 9-1-1.

Before the cops could arrive, the two suspects ran out into the lot — and then stood there flabbergasted for a minute, lookin’ all around. When they finally figured out their magic pumpkin was gone and wouldn’t be coming back, they fled into a stubbly field nearby, where they stood out like a big pair of sore thumbs until Stockton PD came by and scooped ’em up.
We hope that fast-thinking kid got a raise ­— or at least, a free Whopper. With cheese. And bacon.

His Second Choice Probably Would Have Been Wrong Too

Responding to a complaint of loud music, officers in Carlsbad, N.M., questioned the noisemaker, Shaun Paneral. He knew there were warrants out for his arrest, so when they asked his name he gave ’em the first one he could come up with: “Shaun Paul.” The cops believed him. Trouble was, Shaun Paul was also wanted on outstanding warrants, so he still went to jail.

In the slam, Shaun admitted he was really Shaun Paneral, not Shaun Paul. He was re-arrested for his own warrants, and additionally charged with using a false identity. Some idiots just can’t catch a break, huh?

But What If The Next Warning Is Real?

Radio listeners and TV watchers in Michigan, Montana, New Mexico and California got an interesting variety of disturbing warnings from the national Emergency Alert System, but apparently they didn’t generate a panic; in fact, they didn’t seem to generate much interest at all. One message told viewers: “Local authorities in your area have reported the bodies of the dead are rising from their graves and attacking the living. Do not attempt to approach or apprehend these bodies as they are considered extremely dangerous.” Yup; a Zombie invasion! Ho-hum …

Government officials and radio and TV station managers were upset about having hackers planting phony alerts in their systems, but reported there was very little public reaction. In northern Michigan, WNMU was playing an episode of “Barney and Friends” when the alert system kicked in, warning that ravenous, bloodthirsty zombies were on the loose. The station immediately disabled the system and braced themselves for a flood of angry calls — that never came.

“There were really no complaints,” general manager Eric Smith told local news.

A couple of interesting conclusions might be (1) not very many people pay any attention to alerts, (2) most of those who do don’t take alerts seriously anyway and (3) maybe you just didn’t have that many people listening or watching because your programs stink.

Radio and TV station managers warned viewers to disregard alerts of a zombie invasion. So, what happens if the next zombie alert is real?
By Commander Gilmore

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