The Old Guy’s Still Got It

The old guy’s still got it, and 23-year-old dirtbag Gregory McCalium found out the hard way.

Police in Botley, Oxford, England, reported that McCalium broke into the modest little home of 72-year-old Frank Corti with a knife, a bad attitude and not much information on his victim other than knowing Corti is “an old man.” McCalium showed his knife and put on his best “mad dog” look, and all he got from his “victim” was a laugh. McCalium should have taken note and maybe revised his plan when ol’ Frank curled his extra large hands into fists and took up a boxing stance. Instead, he lunged.

That quickly got him a split lip, loose teeth, a thoroughly mashed mouth — dang, I wish I could show you the booking photo! — and a swollen-shut black-and-purple left eye. Either he was too stupid or too dazed to give up, so he lunged again. That’s when poor, frail old Frank knocked him out for the long count.

Police arrived to haul McCalium off to the hospital. They stopped to admire Corti’s impressive collection of boxing trophies and medals — in the next room. McCalium never got to see them.

Frank, who served in the British Army, is a retired prizefighter. He told police he was a bit frightened when he saw McCalium’s knife, “But my old training must have kicked in because I just punched him as hard as I could and he went down like a sack of spuds. If you can’t defend what’s yours, where are we at?”
In court, McCalium denied the charges and claimed he suffered from acute amnesia. Maybe he was just trying to forget he’d gotten his butt kicked soundly by an unarmed 72-year-old. The judge didn’t buy the amnesia ploy. He was sentenced to four-and-a-half years in prison.

Saved From A Killer Sock-Monkey!

You probably didn’t even know it, but thanks to a sharp-eyed TSA agent in St. Louis, Mo., you may have been saved from an attack by an armed and murderous sock-monkey! Gives you chills, don’t it?

A lady identified only as “May” runs a small business making handmade “sock-monkey” dolls for children. She and her husband were going through the TSA screening process in St. Louis to get on their flight to Seattle-Tacoma when a female agent held May’s bag up in the air and asked, “Whose is this?” The agent had found that dastardly villain “Rooster Monkburn,” a sock-monkey in western garb, wearing cowboy boots, a cowboy hat — and a gunbelt and holster with a two-inch long toy single-action revolver in it! Horrors!

May told a reporter, “She said ‘this is a gun.’ I said, ‘No, it’s not a gun, it’s a prop for my monkey.’”

But the agent retorted, “If I held it up to your neck you wouldn’t know if it was real or not.” Astounded, May asked “Really?” The agent, completely serious, told May she would have to confiscate the “gun” and she was “supposed to call the police.”

May’s response was, “You’re kidding me, right?” But the TSA agent wasn’t kidding. Rooster’s gun was confiscated. Later, May said she understood that the agent was doing her job, but wondered, “At some point doesn’t common sense prevail?”
Nope. This is government business.

Who Knew Pop Songs Could Be Useful?

High-powered directional sound guns have been used for several years now as a “next-to-last resort” before opening fire on the boats of Somali pirates. To their credit, these sound guns have proved particularly successful in several cases against third-string pirates lacking effective hearing protection. The sound guns don’t pose any danger to the operators aboard ship. Being highly directional, you can stand right next to them and be unaffected.

But, as pirate boats get closer and sound levels are turned up, the sound waves projected by these guns can cause extreme discomfort to agonizing pain. A lot of the effectiveness seems to come from the music selected and used. One outfit thinks they’ve found the most effective choice: some of Britney Spears’ biggest pop hits.

“‘Hit Me Baby One More Time’ is a big one,” according to Merchant Naval officer Rachel Owens, whose team has used Britney’s hits a half-dozen times while sailing along the African coast. She added “Oops I Did It Again” was another especially repellent choice.

She explained the reason pop songs like these work so well is “because they have a lot of high-pitched noises and bass notes, which are particularly painful when they’re played at ridiculously high volumes.”

Well heck, any parent of teenage girls could have told them that.

Fingerprints Don’t Lie

Officers investigating the theft of copper wire from an air-conditioning truck in Glendale, Ariz., solved the case and identified the thief with a fingerprint he left behind. Yeah, we know what you’re thinking: “What’s so unusual about that?”

The really unique aspect of this case is they were able to take the fingerprint straight from the crook’s finger — which he just so happened to leave conveniently at the scene of the crime. Oh, he didn’t mean to do it; it just kinda got detached while he was yanking on some wire. Of course, he left enough blood for some easy blood-matching too. Officers had no problem fingering 29-year-old Joshua Gloverman for the crime. Gloverman tried explaining he had lost his finger while doing some car repairs, but his alibi just didn’t fly — because, as police pointed out, his finger couldn’t fly.

Don’t Play With The Shiny Bracelets

After 19-year-old Michael Brown accidentally locked himself in a pair of handcuffs and found himself unable to manipulate the key, he correctly thought officers in the College Station, Texas, police headquarters could unlock them for him. But apparently, he didn’t think much beyond that. He should have.

Cops were happy to help him, but they weren’t going to just step out from behind the counter to free him from those bracelets. After all, they thought, maybe there was some reason other than “fooling around” for having them on? So, they ran a check on him. That inquiry came back with a “hit” on an arrest warrant for criminal mischief.

They proceeded to free him from his handcuffs — then exchanged them for a pair of their own. Since he was going to become a guest in their facility, they also performed a search. That turned up a stash of marijuana in one of his pockets. Good thinkin’ there, Mikey!
By Commander Gilmore

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