The Best Jailhouse Story Ever

The de rigeur lead questions to fresh inductees arriving in jail are “What didja get popped for?” and “How’d ya get popped?” An inmate’s status is then determined by the severity of the charge — and of course, these stories are often embellished. We’re wondering what crime-king Sergio Fernando Solorzano-Vasquez told his fellow jailbirds when he hit the hallowed jail halls in Hamilton, N.J. Armed robbery and carjacking might have earned him high points, but did he tell his buddies how the caper went down? We think not.

According to police reports, 27-year-old Sergio stealthily slipped into an unlocked car outside a store and crouched hidden in the backseat, waiting for the driver to come back with car keys and maybe some extra loot. When the two innocents returned and were settled in the front seats, El Tigre Grande pulled his knife and made his move!

Unfortunately for the Duke of Dirtbags, the driver immediately twisted around in her seat and commenced a vicious butt-whuppin’, as the passenger leaped out and began screaming for help. Sergio finally got out from under the thunder and fled for his life. He was shortly apprehended.

The assailant — his intended victim — was a 94-year-old lady. The passenger was her younger sister, just 93 years of age. Police said the ladies were uninjured, but requested their names not be released; they cherish their prim, orderly and quiet lives. So clap your hands gently and murmur with me, “Bravo, ladies, bravo!”
By Commander Gilmore

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