Take My Advice — Buy Her A McFlurry!

This guy must have zero experience dealing with women and their tastes in desserts — or rather, he had zero experience. Now he has one, and he might have learned something valuable from it.

Witnesses in a McDonald’s parking lot near St. John’s Bluff, Fla., couldn’t help overhearing an argument between an unidentified young man and his female companion at about 12:30 a.m. on a Sunday morning. Apparently they had enjoyed a late meal, but it wasn’t of the “Happy Meal” variety, because the lady sure wasn’t happy. She wanted a McFlurry ice cream treat, and the guy refused to buy it for her. The debate escalated in volume and intensity, getting lots of attention.

At least one witness clearly heard the lady say “I’m going to blow it up.” The ice cream-hungry lady then got out of the car with a bottle and disappeared for a few minutes. Wherever she went, apparently, had a supply of gasoline or some similar highly flammable liquid. She returned and began pouring the contents all over the car. That’s when a witness started recording the event on video.

“Next thing you know there was a match,” a witness told reporters, “and it was up in flames.” Jacksonville Fire and Rescue responded and extinguished the smoking hulk of a ’94 El Dorado, but both the male occupant and the McFlurry fan were long gone — and not together, we think. Let that be a lesson to you: If she wants a McFlurry, the only wise response is, “Just one, honey? Are you sure? They come in different flavors!”


Forget The Spike Strip —
We’ve Got Something Better!
Those tire-deflating spike strips police use to stop fleeing vehicles work well — sometimes — but often enough, the car continues on, sometimes for miles, endangering more innocent people, before the tires go completely flat. Here’s a much more certain and effective way to deal with the problem, and — it’s organic!

Apparently Calvin Rodriguez had been very successful in using a modified ignition key, called a “shaved key”, to steal several cars from parking lots in the Port St. Lucie, Fla., area. His latest — and last — stolen ride was a nice Honda Civic. It must have been a pretty peppy little car because it seems he was pulling away from pursuing officers at a high speed when he crashed into an enormous alligator lying across the road. His getaway ended abruptly and effectively, with more than the car’s tires ruined.

Those Sneaky Cops Don’t Play Fair

Life can be tough for crooks, and it’s even tougher if you’re not very bright. In Hernando County, Fla., James Smith, a detective with the Sheriff’s Office, thought he spotted James Dixon, 53, a wanted fugitive. But, after talking with the guy, Smith wasn’t so sure. The suspect claimed he was his twin brother Gary Dixon, who wasn’t wanted on any warrants. He had no ID to prove or disprove the claim. Smith backed off for a moment and Dixon’s attention kinda wandered.

Then Smith said “Hey, James!” and the guy’s head snapped around. After a two-second staring contest, James dropped his gaze to the ground and admitted like, “Okay, you got me.”

The outstanding Michigan warrant was 30 years old, but sufficiently serious to be extradited. No one knows how many times — dozens or perhaps hundreds? — James had successfully pulled off the “I’m my twin brother” scam.

Maybe He Liked The Food In Prison?

But he didn’t even sample the “civilian chow” available, so maybe that wasn’t it. Cops in Ocean County, N.J., found and arrested their suspect shortly after a robbery was reported by a Stride Rite shoe store. Christopher Miller, 40, strongly resembled the description given by Stride Rite employees and was caught just a few blocks away. Of course, bearing a strong resemblance to a robbery suspect is a little shaky for an arrest, and really shaky for a conviction. But when officers checked out Miller’s background, his goose was kinda flash-cooked.

Miller had just been released from South Woods State Prison in New Jersey, and he had traveled by bus directly to the immediate vicinity of the Stride Rite store. Miller had served 15 years in prison for robbery. And who had he robbed? That same Stride Rite store.

Outsmarting The Smartie-Snorters?

In their ongoing efforts to find cheap, easy ways to get high, it seems that students at a Rhode Island middle school started snorting crushed “Smarties,” a popular sugary-candy wafer product typically sold in little rolls. If you saw one, you’d recognize it. They’ve been around since 1949, and you probably got ’em in your Trick-or-Treat bag on Halloween.

We don’t know who came up with the idea of crushing them into powder and snorting them — or if it even works in getting someone stoned — but when the practice became widespread, parents and school officials sat up and took notice.
How could you stop it? Smarties are perfectly legal for kids of any age to buy over-the-counter, and don’t show any proof of intoxicating effect other than maybe producing a “sugar high”. Even snorting ’em isn’t illegal. But the practice has apparently stopped — like, stopped dead — and we think we know why.

The middle school sent out letters to all parents of students telling them about the trend, and warning that snorting Smarties could cause nasal problems, lung irritation, allergic reactions and possible infestations of nasal maggots. Yes, maggots in your nose!

Now, middle school kids may not fear possible blindness, seizures, cardiac arrest, strokes or family whuppin’s, but there are two threats we know they’ll take very, very seriously: “increased acne pimples” and maggots crawlin’ around in your nose!

We don’t even know if that’s possible — but somebody had a stroke of sheer genius!

Doubling Down On Dumb

We’re pretty sure this unnamed 42-year-old high school teacher in Perry Hall, Md., doesn’t teach Logic — and may not even be familiar with the concept.

First, he struck up a “romantic relationship” with a 15-year-old female student. This alone qualifies pretty high on the Stupid Scale. Then, he exchanged dozens of suggestive and intimate text messages with the girl. If he hasn’t been living under a rock, he should have known other people might see those text messages, and even if he hit “delete” on his phone, she might not have, and even if she did, most 11-year-old hackers — much less police technicians — could pull them back out of alphabet limbo. In this case, the girl’s mother found them and notified the police. Now the stupid reaches epic proportions.

Unannounced and uninvited, the teacher went to the girl’s home and apparently demanded to see her, and maybe try to explain himself to her mom and dad. Dad was unimpressed and more than a little bit ticked off. First, Dad asks Teacher to leave. Teacher balks. Dad orders Teacher out of the house. Teacher refuses. There was a baseball bat handy. Get the picture?

Yup, good ol’ Dad swung for the left field bleachers! Now, Dad didn’t go full-auto woodchopper on the teacher, just whacked him hard enough to put the ball outta the park.

So far, police haven’t filed any charges against dear ol’ Dad, because the teacher was, from the instant he refused to leave, committing criminal trespass. And, we think, “felony stupid,” but that’s not a criminal offense in Maryland. 9
By Commander Gilmore

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