Some Days Nothing Goes Right

Dwayne Doolan, 31, and co-conspirator Peter Welsh, 32, had singled out Wright’s Jewellers in Beaudesert, Australia, as a fat and fitting target for a smash-and-grab burglary. But, from start to finish, everything they did went wrong.

First, they tried shattering the front windows, which proved to be shatterproof. Then, they attempted to break through the back door, which turned out to be the wrong back door, belonging to another business. The correct back door was too well-armored for them.

But, what luck! They could still enter the next-door business, go into the basement, and break through the basement wall into Wright’s! Yeah, they could — if they broke through the right basement wall.

Doolan and Welsh apparently became disoriented when they went downstairs and after Herculean efforts, finally succeeded in bustin’ into the basement of a Kentucky Fried Chicken franchise.

True, they made off with some finger-lickin’ chicken and about $2,600 cash, but that cloud of bad luck clung to ’em like, well, like the aroma of fried chicken. They were caught before they could enjoy either the money or an extra-crispy drumstick.

Tales Of Gators And Crocs

Just one sweep through the news on a single afternoon turned up the following alligator-green gems.

First, Thurston County Sheriff’s deputies in Washington State responded to a reported shooting, and quickly determined it was the result of a drug buy gone sour. It turned out there was a field of marijuana growing on the scene, with two scaly, toothy “security agents” guarding the dope. The guy who was shot went to a local hospital and the shooter was booked in jail for attempted murder. Those two placements were easy, and the county was well equipped to accommodate them. But deputies were kinda stumped with where to incarcerate two 5-foot long “guard alligators.”

Second, you might recall back in June 2012, when 63-year-old Wallace Weatherholt, who guides tourists on airboat tours of the Everglades, had his hand bitten off by a 9-foot gator. He was putting on a show for his customers, dangling a fish over the alligator’s mouth, when Old Toothy got a little anxious and snapped up the fish — and Wallace’s hand with it. We’re assuming his customers were “impressed.” Well, now, you might say that gator has come back for a second bite. It’s against the law to feed wild alligators in Florida, and Mr. Weatherholt has now been charged. We don’t know if he’ll testify at his trial, but he could have a problem with that “raise your hand and swear” business.

Finally, from Broome, Australia: I have some personal experience in this field, and I have to wonder just how drunk and disorderly someone has to be to get thrown out of an Aussie pub! One 36-year-old guy apparently made the grade and got the toss. The pubkeeper — assuming his ex-customer would either go home or find a comfy place to pass out — was surprised when after a while, our thoroughly intoxicated hero staggered back in the door with “bits of bark hanging off him and flesh gouged out of his limbs.” Local authorities responded and filled in the blanks.

Our pal proved agile enough to climb the fence around a local crocodile park attraction, and drunk enough to think that trying to ride an 1,800-pound crocodile named “Old Fatso” was a good idea. Old Fatso, however, didn’t think much of the plan. He clamped onto his rider’s leg and thrashed him around a bit. Fortunately for the bombed buckaroo, the monster croc had already been well-fed and weather was cold, so he was kinda sluggish. The unnamed dolt was hospitalized, and the park manager said he was outrageously lucky, stating “If it had been warmer and Fatso was more alert …”
We’ll leave the conclusion to you. Have another drink?

The Irony Was Lost On Him

When cops in Dorset, Vt., found 55-year-old Donald Blood III sittin’ in his vehicle in the yard of a residence, he told them he thought he had driven into a parking lot. It didn’t take them long to determine his faulty judgment was probably the result of a generous load of alcoholic refreshment. Mr. Blood was charged with a DUI.

Rather than a parking lot, it was an historic landmark: the 1852 family home of William Griffith Wilson, the co-founder of Alcoholics Anonymous. The site is dedicated as “a place of sanctuary where people can come to give thanks to God for their new lives.”
For those who missed Wilson’s message, though, it makes a handy parking place.
By Commander Gilmore

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