See That? Don’t Scratch It!

This caper started out absolutely dull and routine. After pickin’ up a bunch of bananas at her local market, an English lady peeled one back and began casually munchin’. She was about halfway through it when she noticed what looked like a white patch of mold on the banana’s skin. She kinda absent-mindedly flicked it, scratching it open. That’s when the “mold patch” erupted and a squad of baby spiders scurried everywhere!

Now, we know you, with your nerves of steel, would have just crushed the ones you could catch with your thumb and gone on eatin’, but she was pretty freaked out. When she calmed down, she took a photo of a couple of ’em, and showed it to management at the supermarket. They duly apologized and handed her a $15 coupon as compensation. She accepted and thought the incident was over. But she was still curious about what kind of spiders they were, and she sent the photo to a pest-control company. They got what you might call “agitated.”

They were identified as Brazilian Wandering Spiders, listed in Guinness World Records as the deadliest spiders on the planet, and among the most aggressive of all arachnids; like, more than twice as toxic as a Black Widow, and 10 times meaner — now that got the lady’s attention! Hmmm. Where did those escaped little critters go? Under the kitchen cabinet? Into the laundry room?

The supermarket chain quickly bundled the family off to a nice hotel and arranged to have their home and belongings fumigated, all on their tab, of course.

Don’t Mess With The Lady On Night Shift

It was almost midnight at the Jump Start convenience store in Wichita, Kan., when a guy walked in, showed the 23-year-old clerk a gun and announced a stickup. The clerk gave him some money from the register, but then he demanded she open the safe. She couldn’t say why, but the clerk got the impression the gun was a toy, and besides, she figured she’d had enough abuse — and he was close enough to reach out and touch. Like a striking snake she grabbed the gun out of his hand and clubbed him on the gourd with it.

Maybe he couldn’t hear that little voice in his head that said “Run!” — not yet, anyway. He leaped on her and they began grappling, whirling around and trading punches. But her fists were faster and hit harder than his. She finally pummeled him into submission, dragged him out through the front door, and told him to take off. That might not have been the best decision, but she was runnin’ out of steam and had just been through a lot.

Cops were on the scene investigating the attempted robbery when a young woman called in to 911 from a few blocks away, reporting that her boyfriend had just returned home in bad shape. He told her he’d been beaten up at the Jump Start. Officers went there and arrested a 28-year-old male and gathered up evidence that he was the suspect. He was transported to a hospital, treated for injuries consistent with just having his butt thoroughly whipped, and booked into jail.

Police declined to enumerate the evidence but confirmed they had impounded a gun — a real one. Curiously, it had an orange ring around the muzzle, like many toy guns and airsoft guns. A police lieutenant said that may have given the clerk the impression the gun was a toy.
Our heroine was also taken to a hospital, treated for minor injuries, and driven home by admiring cops.

Just When You Think They Can’t Get Any More Stupid

In case you missed it, in December 2012, the courts finally spanked Illinois — the last state with an absolute ban on citizens carrying concealed firearms. It took a while to develop, but in the wake of this decision, legislators mandated all schools must post stickers and signs banning guns on school grounds — although they were already banned. The signs are the usual depiction of a handgun in a red circle with the bold red diagonal slash through it. You’d think anti-gun school administrators would love such signs, because it gives them a warm, fuzzy feeling of safety, no matter how ridiculous that is. But authorities at a school in Chicago’s south suburbs jumped right on it, protesting the signs. Why?
First, because the sign shows — a gun! And that’s scary, ya know!

“It is bothersome,” quoth the principal. She suggested people might “wrongly interpret” the sign. Really? Like, they might think guns are okay as long as they have a red stripe, or maybe, red-striped guns are for sale on campus? She said it also might give someone the impression that having guns on campus was allowed in the past. She told a reporter she would prefer “something more subtle.” Like a dime-sized sign?

“I think the general public would be alarmed by it,” she said. I repeat, Really? Oh, yeah, I think people will see those “guns banned” signs and run away screaming or faint on the spot.
By Commander Gilmore

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