No Sniffer Dogs Needed

Three trucks, five men and 9 1/2 tons of contraband almost made it out of Austria and across the border into Hungary. They would have rolled right through — except for the fact that the aroma from those overheated sun-baked trucks was so strong their distinctive odor was reportedly smelled 100 feet upwind.

Border police didn’t call for drug sniffer dogs because, as one officer said, it was clear what the trucks were carrying long before the doors were opened — that is, nearly 20,000 pounds of not-so-fresh raw garlic. Police said the load was worth about $37,000 U.S. in Hungary, where the garlic supply routinely lags behind demand. Apparently the garlic came from Spain, where it was probably stolen and transported by a Romanian smuggling ring.

Zero Intelligence

Once again, ever-watchful school officials have prevented what could have been a gruesome incident of juvenile terrorism. In Hammonton, N.J., school staff called the police to report “suspicious activity.” They responded and arrested the culprit, who had been firing spherical semi-rigid missiles at the school building from a firearm-like device! Under the school district’s zero-tolerance policy, the reckless desperado was charged with possession of an imitation firearm in or on an education institution.

It was a 7-year-old boy with a Nerf gun. He had been shooting ping-pong-sized spongy Nerf balls at the side of the school. It was unclear if school was even in session, but it was clear to authorities that a crime had been committed.

He must have been standing pretty close if any of those Nerf balls actually hit the building, because the range is about 20 feet. But all that is immaterial. Horrors! What next? Will some crazy kindergartner launch marshmallows at the school with a spoon?

What? Me, Mentally Unstable?

In New York City, a metropolitan area known for its extremely low number of nutcases (I just had to say that, and then laugh ’til I snarfed coffee up my nose), Ms. Fausat Ogunbayo, 46, has filed a federal lawsuit naming New York City’s Administration for Children’s Services as defendant.

It seems that the organization took her two children, then 10 and 13 years old, into protective custody back in 2008. They apparently thought Ms. Ogunbayo was mentally unstable. And apparently, they’ve persisted in that opinion, refusing to repatriate her kiddies to her loving bosom. Hence, her lawsuit.

Well, how mentally unstable can she be? And how restrained and conservative are her demands in the suit?

She’s only asking the City for damages in the amount of $900 trillion dollars. Yup, that’s dollar sign, then “9” followed by 14 zeros: $900,000,000,000,000. Hmmm. That only exceeds all the wealth held in the entire world. But, she may be willing to take annual payments.

Layover That Turned Into Years

Busy hands are happy hands — and William Todd’s hands certainly qualify as “busy.” Police in Nashville say Todd arrived in town on a Greyhound bus, and he was supposed to have been outta town quick. But, unfortunately for Nashville, he got stuck with a nine-hour layover before he could make the connection he wanted. Instead of curling up on a bench with a paperback, he went out on the town.

During his layover, police say he committed a minimum of 11 felony crimes and uncounted misdemeanors, including shooting up a restaurant and setting it on fire, busting into a law firm’s office where he relieved himself on an attorney’s desk, sticking up a cabdriver and stealing his cab, sneaking through a number of hotel rooms looking for easily transported loot, robbing four guys in a bar, carjacking and more. Todd was finally caught at Opryland, where he almost succeeded in hiding from pursuing police by submerging his body in water with only his nose stickin’ up.
Todd won’t be leaving Tennessee anytime soon.
By Commander Gilmore

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