It Wasn’t The Fashion Police Who Got Him

But it was definitely his fashion — or lack of it — that resulted in 21-year-old Joel Donaldson being caught and arrested. You’ve seen these morons who wear their oversized trousers barely hangin’ on their butts so low that a yard of their underwear shows, right? And more than once you’ve asked yourself, “How could that guy possibly run wearin’ his pants like that? He can hardly walk without his drawers fallin’ off!”

The short answer is, they don’t run well at all. Joel allegedly slugged a woman in the chops at Court and Remsen Streets in Brooklyn, grabbed her expensive cell phone and then took off, well, waddling as fast as he could. It wasn’t fast enough. An officer who was directing traffic in the same area saw Joel trying to make tracks while spastically grabbin’ at his pants and figured he was up to no good. As witness Arlene Williams told it, “He was zigzagging all over the place, but he couldn’t run because his pants was falling down.”

The officer tackled Joel, retrieved the stolen cell phone, and arrested him for various fashion violations (not really; dream on) and felony strong-arm robbery. The pursuing officer didn’t even work up a sweat.

Crime Just Isn’t For Everyone

You know, here’s a message a life of crime just ain’t for you. Police in Federal Way, Wash., reported the case of an unidentified 19-year-old who showed up at a pal’s apartment with a gaudy abdominal wound. He said he’d been robbed and shot. Under some close questioning by responding cops though, his story crumbled and the truth came out.

It turned out that the hapless lad had met a shady dude and made a shady deal for a handgun, apparently in order to use it to commit some shady deeds. He never got the chance. Walking away from the deal, within a very few minutes he managed to accidentally shoot himself in the gut.

Adding insult to critical injury, the gun turned out to be stolen from nearby Tacoma. So a charge of possession of stolen property will be added to his woes. We’re pretty sure Dillinger’s career didn’t start out this way.

Blinded By The Rims

Houston cops could hardly believe it. Stupid crooks abound, of course, but at least most of them know better than to ply their trade under the eyes of a bunch of uniformed police officers. Twenty-year-old Johnny Deleon was collared in the act of stripping some fancy wheel covers off a Cadillac Escalade in the parking lot of a delicatessen in broad daylight. He was pretty easily spotted by several of the approximately 30 cops sitting inside of the deli, who were there planning a big ceremonial event.

True, he couldn’t be expected to have seen all those cops inside. But since there were as many — or more — marked police cruisers in the lot as there were civilian vehicles, you’ve gotta wonder if he was blinded by the sunlight bouncing off those shiny wheel covers — or just abysmally stupid.

Robbers Getting Robbed — By Robbers

Yeah, we admit it: We love it when stuff like this happens. Police spotted poor Larry Poulos staggering along a street in Arlington, Texas, bleeding profusely from a head wound. His chimes had been rung pretty good, but he was conscious enough to tell officers he had been attacked and robbed by two unknown suspects. Despite Larry’s obvious wound and dizziness, cops still smelled something wrong with his story and pressed further.

A friend of Larry’s basically corroborated his tale, but the cops thought the friend was behaving a little squirrelly too, so they kept diggin’.

They finally verified that Larry was telling the truth about being robbed. They also found that the money taken from Larry was a pile of cash he had hauled away from a credit union robbery earlier that same evening. Larry finally got his ride to the hospital. After a patch was slapped on his gourd, he was arrested and got another ride to jail.

A Good Old-Fashioned Family Christmas

“Peace on earth and good will toward men,” huh? Well, not so much in one home in North Charleston, S.C. On Christmas Eve, sheriff’s deputies responded to a disturbance call at a residence and found a bloody, badly beaten man with some rather unusual stab wounds. The lady of the house, and we use the term “lady” kinda loosely, told officers the man had fallen and cut himself. He didn’t seem to be too willing to talk, but the blood patterns weren’t consistent with falling down, and falling didn’t explain why Helen Williams, 44, had bloody hands and clothing. They separated the two, and the real story came out.

Helen had sent the guy out for beer but he returned empty-handed, telling her all the stores were closed because, you know, honey, it’s Christmas Eve!

You might say she took it like a man — a crazy, vicious man. She allegedly beat him and then stabbed him multiple times in the shoulder and chest with a ceramic squirrel. The unidentified victim was taken to a hospital and Williams was jailed and charged with criminal domestic violence. The squirrel was impounded as evidence.

Authorities did not specify if the weapon was a dreaded “assault ceramic squirrel” as opposed to a sporting squirrel, but the severity and number of the victim’s wounds would indicate it was of the assault variety. South Carolina is known for its lax assault ceramic squirrel control laws.

The Best Anti-Robbery Line Ever?

An unnamed young woman was stopped by a robber while walking near Capitol Hill in Washington, D.C. First, she told him she was a low-paid intern and had hardly any money. But he apparently figured a little was better than none. Then she explained not only was she a low-paid intern, but she was an intern with the NSA — that is, the National Security Agency — the government’s gigantic snooping-and-surveillance outfit. She explained to the crook that he might rob her, but within minutes the NSA would track him down, and it might not go well for him.

She said the guy just looked at her — and then ran away. He might still be hiding, and checking for black helicopters overhead. Quick thinking, miss!

So, Who Reviewed The Blueprints?

The “Intempo” residential condominium high-rise in the Spanish resort city of Benidorm created a big buzz of excitement among Europe’s jet-setters as it was going up. All the advertising and marketing hype painted it as the vacation condo for the ultra-hip and super-cool. Buyers rushed in droves to hand over their money.

In response, the financing group decided 20 stories wasn’t tall enough and they quickly (maybe too quickly?) super-sized it to 47 stories, making it the tallest residential structure in the European Union. Ooohhh, it was exciting! Well, for a little while anyway.

A little glitch was soon discovered: There was no actual elevator shaft from the 24th floor all the way up to the 47th. Yep, that’s right — no elevator. There simply wasn’t room for it in the hastily drawn-up design. So, how many rich people wanted to buy a condo where they would have to schlep up the stairs with their luggage, let’s say, 10 or 15 stories? Umm — that would be none. The project is bankrupt. Now it might be Europe’s tallest pigeon coop.
By Commander Gilmore

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