Great Disguise — To A Point, Anyway

When intrusion alarms went off at the Rice Northwest Museum of Rocks and Minerals near Hillsboro, Ore., local officers were on the scene in record time. The suspect, just a fleeting shadow, disappeared into an adjacent wooded area. By “disappeared,” officers soon learned, we really mean disappeared! He couldn’t have gotten out of that patch of woods, but cops scoured the property thoroughly and came up with exactly zip, nada, zero. Then, they brought in a dog.

The unnamed canine commando immediately attacked a mossy mound of wild grasses — and the mound squealed in pain! Gregory Liascos, the 36-year-old suspect, was wearing a complete head-to-toe “ghillie suit,” the best one officers had ever seen — or not seen, depending on your interpretation of events.

Liascos made bail, but failed to show up for his trial. A warrant has been issued, and officers are looking for him — or a big mossy mound. Note: Oregon has lots of big mossy mounds. Good luck, guys.

It’s Ruined? How Can You Tell?

For some time, nobody noticed that a piece of modern art in the Ostwall Museum in Dortmund, Germany, had been “irrevocably ruined.” No, it took an expert to see that what looks like a worthless pile of junk had been rendered into a worthless pile of junk.

The “sculpture,” valued at $1.1 million U.S., is a vertical construction of wooden slats that sorta looks like a ladder taken apart and then reassembled by a psychotic carpenter whacked out on LSD. At its base is a rubber trough, which used to have a splotch of paint in the bottom, intended to look like dried-out residue of runoff rainwater. This masterpiece, called When It Starts Dripping From the Ceiling, was hailed as one of now-expired artist Martin Kippenburger’s greatest works.

Anyway, a recently hired cleaning lady saw the yucky stain in the bottom of that trough, and immediately and efficiently scoured it sparkling clean. After the screaming and crying of the artsy people subsided, a museum spokeswoman gloomily declared, “It is now impossible to return it to its original state.”

Impossible? Excuse me? How ’bout pouring some dirty runoff rainwater into that trough, then letting it dry? Thank you. My consulting invoice is in the mail. Please return your payment promptly.
By Commander Gilmore

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