Fight A Shark, Save A Kid — And Get Fired

Ask Paul Marshallsea how this works, okay? The 62-year-old from Wales was basking on a beach in Queensland, Australia when he heard children screaming. He looked up and saw a large shark had cruised into shallow water and was zeroing in on a bunch of little kids.

Clad only in his bathing suit and with no weapons, he sprang into action by running into the water and grabbing the shark by its tail. As the kiddies fled to safety, Paul hung on for dear life, pulling hard while the shark tried repeatedly to flip around and bite him. When the shark flipped in the opposite direction, Paul let go and made a break for the safety of the sand.

Paul and his wife Wendy felt pretty great about the whole ordeal — that is, until they arrived back home in Wales. Waiting for them was a letter from their employer, a Boys & Girls Club where they had worked for 10 years. They had both been unceremoniously fired.

Until then, Paul and Wendy didn’t know a video of Paul wrestling the shark had gone viral on the Internet, and the London Telegraph had picked up the story. Officially, they had both been on sick leave. Somehow the board felt that travel to The Land Down Under and shark-wrestling didn’t fit with “too sick to work.” No sense of humor, huh?

Candidates For “Heroes Of The Month”

We nominate Jamal Harris, 17, and Aaron Arias, 19. Good goin’, guys!

Jamal and Aaron were tootling along on Highway 175 near Dallas when they noticed the strange situation in a car driving alongside them. There was a guy in the driver’s seat looking kinda nervous, anxious and angry, and a pretty 25-year-old woman in the back seat who looked very, very unhappy. She made eye contact with the boys and mouthed the words “Help me!”

Startled and a little confused at first, they slowed their car, discussed what they should do, and decided they could be wrong and the police might think they’re idiots, but how would they feel if they didn’t do anything and it turned out to be a kidnapping? While Jamal kept driving, trying to stay close enough not to lose the suspect car but not close enough to make the driver suspicious, Aaron called 9-1-1 on his cell phone.

They followed the car for several miles through Kaufman County, keeping officers apprised of their position until suddenly a pack of land sharks surrounded them — every cop in the area — to make a felony stop. Charles Atkins Lewis, 37, had kidnapped the lady off the street at gunpoint in downtown Dallas. He was promptly jammed in the slammer and charged with aggravated kidnapping. The victim was examined by paramedics, interviewed by investigators and released.

And the boys? They went home, where they are now the resident rock stars in their neighborhood.

Look Before You Leap, Dude

We’re guessing that Robin Gutheridge, 26, never heard that old saying. After robbing a Chase Bank branch in Syracuse, N.Y., he fled on foot from pursuing police, eventually winding up on the 21st floor of the nearby Clinton Plaza Apartments. When the cops closed in on him, he really, really needed to pull a disappearing act, or somehow get down to the ground level so he could keep running. Well, he disappeared, and he got to the ground level — actually, below it — but he couldn’t quite fit into that third element: to keep running. He dove into a garbage chute, which went straight down to the basement trash compactor, 210 feet below. Fortunately for this felon, the compactor wasn’t running.

A maintenance worker heard faint pleas for help and soon narrowed it down to the trash compactor — then told police he had found their fleeing crook. Gutheridge was alive, but in just about the same condition as if he’d fallen only one story and the compactor had been, you know, compacting. He was taken to Upstate University Hospital, where he was reported to be in critical condition with numerous bone fractures and internal injuries. Police saw no need to slap cuffs on him, and he wouldn’t have understood a reading of his rights. Officers said they’d be back for a chat and to charge him with robbery when he’s ready for visitors.

Sometimes Things Perform As Advertise

Ain’t it rare and strange when products actually do the things they’re supposed to do? Germany’s Social Democrat Party was actually disappointed when a product they invested considerable money in did exactly what it was supposed to do.
The party, which is described as “center-left,” has been trying hard to win over more voters from the environmentally-conscious crowd. In the run-up to a recent election, they contracted for 8,000 campaign placards created with environmentally-friendly paper and ink, and loudly proclaimed to all who would listen that their posters were totally and rapidly biodegradable and would dissolve into non-toxic self-consuming schmutz. Environmentalists applauded as the placards went up and the Social Democrats beamed. Then it rained.

The expensive posters turned almost instantly into unreadable, disintegrating shreds. A few voters got a quick peek at ’em, and then they were gone. I think that’s what campaign promises are printed on here in the United States.

Maybe The Right Place, But Definitely The Wrong Man

When an armed stickup man entered a store in Marionville, Mo., he probably mistook 54-year old Jon Alexander for an easy victim. He was wrong. Alexander is a former prison guard, an ex-private investigator and during his 30 years in the Army, a veteran of four combat tours in Iraq.

The suspect waltzed in smokin’ a cigarette, which Alexander immediately told him to put out. That should have been a clue, but this crook was clueless. He then demanded Alexander give him all the money, and started to pull a gun. That’s as far as he got.

Store surveillance video shows Alexander batting the man’s arm down while drawing his own concealed Walther PPX 9mm even faster — and stickin’ the muzzle into the robber’s gaped-open mouth. Tasty, huh? Alexander explained that any sudden moves by his guest would result in having his blankety-blank head blown off.

Apparently our Crime King believed him. The schmuck very, very slowly and carefully backed away until he reached the door, whereupon his legs commenced pinwheeling like a cartoon roadrunner and he scorched the sidewalk gettin’ outta Dodge.

Responding police told Alexander he was a lucky man. Alexander told them he thought the suspect was the lucky one. After all, his day — and all of his possible future days — could have ended right there. Then they asked why he didn’t shoot the crook. Alexander explained that the would-be bandido had never even gotten to point his gun in Alexander’s direction.

“If I had seen the actual barrel of the gun, I would have pulled the trigger,” he declared, adding, “My life wasn’t threatened.”
Just another day at the office, huh?
By Commander Gilmore

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